Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
