The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
