My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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