I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
