Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
