Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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