I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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