It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Be still, my beating vagina.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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