i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
