that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
