Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
