hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
where are you?
Hypothermia
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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