I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
So many bounce houses so little time
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
