i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Randomize
