Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
