We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
