Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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