dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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