I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
