Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
