I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
