Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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