What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
