Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
