I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
