the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
