Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
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