Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
