why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
