Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
