Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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