Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
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