textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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