What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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