I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
