Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
