How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
