omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
