how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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