Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
