if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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