Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
