Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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