I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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