Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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