I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
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She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick