Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
