so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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