I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
