So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
