i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
