Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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