Don't make out with my wife yet
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
