I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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