i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
