Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
