It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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