why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
