The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
